| One of the most important skills you need learn to | | | | John Gottman, has highlighted the importance of |
| keep your marriage healthy and strong is fighting | | | | good nonverbal marital communication, and has |
| fairly. Fighting can happen in all marriages, not only in | | | | identified four behaviors leading to relationship |
| "bad" marriages. Researchers estimate that 25% are | | | | distress. Contempt is one of these behaviors. |
| happy, 50% will never be happy without therapy. | | | | Non-verbal contempt (eye-rolling, avoiding |
| 30% of marriages are considered to be "empty" and | | | | eye-contact, shaking their heads) can be a cause for |
| having only a little love or joy. 25% of marriages | | | | relationship distress if this shows up in a couple. |
| could really be happy if they would communicate | | | | 5. The end of a fight is allowed by fair fighting |
| better and if they learned how to resolve conflict. | | | | couples. Letting the fight be over when it is done |
| This latter of 25% is the one that should be focused | | | | with it, is one important element of fighting fairly. This |
| on. The difference between a bad fight or a bad | | | | way is easier to forgive if not to forget. Just to |
| marriage and a bad fight or a good marriage is | | | | prove a point, they do not bring up old issues again |
| learning to fight fair. You can have an overall good | | | | and again. This way the couples take the chance to |
| marriage even you have a bad fight. Actually, couples | | | | make up and reconnect at the first opportunity. |
| who fight in a productive way and end the fight | | | | 6. It is recommended that in a fair fight, couples |
| right, report more marital satisfaction. In two words, | | | | discuss issues sooner rather than later, because it is |
| fight fairly is what separates the couples who fight | | | | easier to talk about a small issue, before it becomes |
| and make up from the ones who fight and don't. | | | | too big and overwhelming or leads to extreme |
| As it follows, seven tips for fighting fairly in a | | | | resentment. |
| marriage are presented: | | | | 7. The couples, in a fair fight should focus on winning |
| 1. Fair fighting involves focusing on the behavior not | | | | in the relationship not on winning the fight for them |
| the person. | | | | just to prove they're right. They must remember |
| 2. Direct requests are also used in a fair fighting | | | | that they are allies rather than enemies, and they |
| couple. They ask if they want their partner to | | | | must remember that they are on the same team |
| behave differently. This way the whole idea would be | | | | and working on the same goals. Instead of focusing |
| exposed clearly. For example, instead of saying "I | | | | on their personal ego, they should rather focus on |
| need you to change" you can say "Please place your | | | | keeping the relationship as their main focus. |
| dishes in the sink from now on". | | | | The skill of fair fighting can be learned. It is likely that |
| 3. If you want a fair fight, limit your focus in | | | | fewer marriages would end in divorce if more people |
| arguments. Instead of "kitchen sinking" an argument | | | | learned to do it. It is a true fact that all marriages will |
| (meaning when a person is complaining about | | | | have fights, but it matters how you handle each |
| everything at the same time, and throw in the | | | | fight, and this will determine whether your marriage is |
| kitchen sink for good measure) you can focus on | | | | a happy or unhappy one. |
| one issue at a time. | | | | Always remember this: "Success in marriage does not |
| 4. Healthy respect and good nonverbal communication | | | | come merely through finding theright mate, but |
| are maintained by fair fighting couples. A well known | | | | through being the right mate." - Barnett R. |
| marital researcher at the University of Washington, | | | | |