| We have this fancy new employee directory web | | | | the other extreme and went the 'I'm Better Than |
| site at work. It's meant to help us find each other, | | | | You' route:'I came to this company from Harvard |
| by showing our office locations, phone extensions, | | | | University, where I earned several of my many |
| and a photo.It is not, I've been told, meant to help us | | | | Masters degrees. In addition to being a black belt in |
| find pics and phone numbers of hot chicks on the | | | | karate, jiu jitsu, tae kwon do, and several martial arts |
| floor above us, so we can call and giggle at them like | | | | you roundeyes have never even heard of, I'm also a |
| an idiot. I've been told this several times, in fact. The | | | | world champion yodeler, chess grand master, and |
| last time in writing, even. Whatever.Anyway, we've | | | | Nobel Prize laureate. In my spare time, I model mens' |
| also been encouraged to fill out a 'biography' section | | | | underwear and maintain a topiary crafted as busts of |
| for the web site. No bunch of nameless and faceless | | | | famous Danish physicists.'Nice effort, to be sure. But |
| cogs are we -- they want us to learn about each | | | | someone's bound to eventually ask me to break a |
| other, to share our interests and goals and | | | | cinder block in half or trim their hedge to look like |
| aspirations.I've tried this 'sharing' thing. And it's not | | | | Neils Bohr, and the jig would be up. So that wouldn't |
| working out. I just can't find a bio that screams | | | | do, either.I started to think I'd never have a suitable |
| 'Charlie!' Not in a supportive, unhorrified tone of voice, | | | | bio, when an idea finally struck. What's the point of |
| anyway. My attempts have not gone well.First, I tried | | | | this bit of personal info, anyway? It's to encourage |
| the 'Employee of the Month' angle:'I've been working | | | | people to leave me the hell alone, so I can get some |
| here for a little over two years. My hobbies include | | | | damned work done. Peachy. I know how to do that:'I |
| filing papers, working late, fetching coffee for the | | | | live in a small studio apartment near the office, with |
| boss, and just being the bestest darned member of | | | | my nine cats and life-sized cardboard Xena 'action |
| 'Team Success' I know how to be. Gosh!'No good. I | | | | figure' for company. I enjoy collecting stamps, writing |
| proofread that, and gave myself a wedgie. I needed | | | | Babylon 5 fanfic, and sorting recyclables into the |
| something more subtle. So I tried the | | | | proper bins. Stop by my cube any time to discuss |
| 'Interview-Speak' approach:'My tenure of employment | | | | the inconsistensies in the Skywalker clan backstory, |
| in the current establishement has afforded me the | | | | the advantages of artifact-heavy Magic decks, or to |
| opportunity to enhance my skill set, tackle technical | | | | trade Dungeon Master wardrobe tips. 'Live long and |
| challenges, and develop a strong interdisciplinary view | | | | prosper'!Brilliant. And only marginally autobiographical. |
| of our overarching mission as an organization.'Nice. | | | | Hey, recycling is important, dammit!I'm also happy to |
| What does it mean? I have no fricking clue, and I | | | | report I haven't had a single person drop by my |
| spent twenty minutes writing it. I think maybe it | | | | cubicle to talk to me since I posted that bio. Even |
| describes the time I figured out the automatic towel | | | | the cleaning staff won't come near it.And if anyone |
| dispenser in the bathroom. I'm not sure. Bet I could | | | | ever does -- looking for Klingon ringtones or |
| land a CIO position with doubletalk bullshit like that | | | | DragonBall bumper stickers, no doubt -- I can always |
| some day, though.I decided to go back to basics, | | | | bonk them on the head and ditch them in a |
| with the 'Honesty Is the Best Policy' strategy:'When | | | | conference room. Who's gonna miss somebody like |
| I'm not working, I enjoy many hobbies. You might | | | | that, eh? It's probably just the CIO, anyway.Charlie |
| find me playing volleyball, cheering on the Red Sox, | | | | Hatton is an overzealous blogger and aspiring standup |
| or passed out face-down in a pool of tequila and | | | | comedian offering smart, sophisticated humor about |
| lemonade outside my local liquor store. Also, I like | | | | life, language, and the size of his naughty bits. He |
| boobies. And I wouldn't drink from the coffee pot on | | | | writes semi-daily and mostly randomly at Where the |
| the fourth floor, if I were you. Trust me on this | | | | Hell Was I? |
| one.'Honesty was never my strong suit. So I tried | | | | |